Here it is, people, the mash-up of all mash-ups. Do me a
favour. Imagine that, one day, the Bat-Man universe was suddenly transported to
Albert Square. What if Bat-Man had been a cockney? What if the heroes and
villains who prowl the streets at night were not endowed with supernatural
powers or expensive gadgetry? What if they were just people… geezers, tossers,
girls with huge hoopy earrings in leopard print tops… gangsters and barmaids,
car mechanics and market stall gals?
This, my friends, is what it would look like. Take a step
into the world of the Cockney Bat-Man.
Alfie Moon as the Cockney Bat-Man:
‘batman’ only a typo away from ‘barman’, Alfie is the prime choice for the role
of Cockney Batman. With his dark plastic coat swaying behind him in the dark
alleys of Albert Square, he is out to solve crime and bring peace into the
hearts of the people – mainly by selling booze to punters in the Vic.
you may have thought that being called Alfred, he should have been the
Bat-Man’s ageing butler, but we here at The International Cheese-Fries Review
think OUTSIDE of the box).
Kat Slater as Kat-Woman:
burning love for low-cut tops, high heels, heavy make-up and starting a good
old fight in the Vic, Kat Slater was born for the role of Kat-Woman. Her
relationship with Cockney Bat-Man is, as ever, complicated: she can’t live
with, and she can’t live without him. This doesn’t stop her from seducing and
snogging other men on a regular basis – they just can’t resist the leopard
print and those massive hoopy earrings…
Phil Mitchell as The Philguin:
Phil Mitchell was the natural choice here. No one, and I mean no one, does being a chubby bald git and pissing people
off better than he does.It’s no
secret that this geezer’s various business dabblings are all a front for
criminal activity, and not even the good kind.
We liked it
when the Philguin did crack.
Michael Moon as Two-Face:
charming, Moon-Face’s other face is on the inside, where other people would
have warmth and empathy. Aaaaand it ain’t pretty, man.
Janine Butcher as Talia Al Ghul:
be a cold-blooded, emotionless killer, Janine is Walford’s version of assassin
Talia Al Ghul. Although in a certain way, she does bring people together. In
what way? In the way that we all hate her. We hate you, Janine Al Ghul.
Bianca Butcher as Poison Ivy:
fiery one, we have long since been suspecting that Bianca Butcher is hiding
plant-based evilness behind that utterly annoying façade.
Lauren Branning as Harley Quinn
alcohol, crime, boys. She wants it all, and she wants it now. And if you don’t
give it to her, she’ll go full mental on you.
Masood Ahmed as Police Commissioner Gordon
He is the
only person on Albert Square that actually has any real human qualities, and
you know it.
Dot Cotton as Alfred the Butler
serving everyone. As the voice of morality.
Iain Beale as the Green Goblin
He’s the greatest tosser you’ll even come across, and he usually puts his foot
in it SO hard, that…well, that he could easily land himself in the wrong
home of a million obtuse, ignorant, posturing assholes that operate
under the misguided belief that they live in the centre of God's own
asshole and anything north of North London is a grotty wasteland
populated by ignorant savages (oh, the irony...). Formerly fashionable
Camden (spits)... yeah, never mind though. Believe me, the trawl through
the endless stalls crammed with tedious quasi-alternative tat is well
worth it. Some of the best goodies Team Cheese-Fries have chowed down on
This is the good stuff. The fries are crispy and cooked to a tea, and
the cheese is actually a combination of two different cheeses - juicy
swirls of red and gold for that authentic State-side feel. Good
penetration of the cheese to the lower levels too (if there's not a hint
of solidified grilled-cheese at the bottom of the bowl, you just feel
fucking cheated). The menu is extensive and you can get a cherry coke, a
shake or even a glass of bubbly with your meal. You can also get a pint
of Red Stripe which is a nice plus.